All's Well That Ends Swell: The classic Shakespearean comedy about generational collision and the nature of love. Mickey Rooney plays Bertram.

Pulp Friction: Everything you want to know about electric juicers, and more. Zero stars.

Nude Rockne, All American: This X-rated version of the classic puts the dame back in Notre Dame.

The Pig and the Pendulum: An early attempt to mechanize a slaughterhouse turns into a real horror story. Rated R. Extreme violence.

This week's contest: Take any real book or movie, change one word slightly, and describe the resulting new product. First-prize winner gets a T-shirt commemorating the famous 1998 Loserpalooza brunch in Annapolis organized by Style Invitational regulars -- Chuck Smith, Jennifer Hart and Russell Beland et al. -- which Gov. Parris Glendening agreed to attend. But then he canceled! But they had already made him a Loser T-shirt that says "Gov" on the back! You win that shirt! It's priceless. It was donated by John Kammer, Sandra Hull and Jonathan Paul. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought- after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send entries via fax to 202- 334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, March 4. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg.

Report from Week CV, in which you were asked to make a pun out of a famous name.

{diam}Third Runner-Up: Is that CNN anchorwoman hot, or what? Oh yeah, Paula Zahn fire! (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

{diam}Second Runner-Up: How do you announce that an assisted suicide has been successful? Stick Kevorkian him, he's done! (Stephen Shepherd, Alexandria)

{diam}First Runner-Up: Vy should ve not feel bad for all dose people vhat lost money mit the Enron case? Dey should have seen .coming! (Joe Kobylski, Gaithersburg)

{diam}And the winner of the antique Violet Ray quack medical device: What did the feminist singer say to Sadat? All Liz Phair in love, Anwar! (Chris Doyle, Burke)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

How did Elmer Fudd get to Baltimore? He took the Mark Twain! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Who was postwar Germany's great champion of daylight-saving time? Konrad Adenauer! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Should I believe what that Hungarian composer told me last night at the club? Nah, it was just Bartok! (Frank Mullen III, Heathsville, Md.)

Why did the secretary of defense ban hard liquor? Because Rumsfeld many a soldier! (Billy Trimble, Washington)

Why did the TV exec decide to keep his current anchor Rather than replace him? He said, "If it ain't Brokaw, don't fix it!" (Mike Genz, La Plata)

I took a bullet in the hip from a botched Mafia hit. What should I do? You Ray Liotta see a doctor about it! (Chris Doyle, Burke)

What did the woman say to the French actress who cut in front of her in line? Of all Deneuve! (Sandra Segal, Rockville)

Camus conceive of life as totally devoid of meaning? Not completely yet, but I am making a Sartre on it! (Mike Genz, La Plata)

You ask, Madame Secretary, what you should eat in Paris? You Juanita Kreps suzette every chance you get! (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Mr. President, weren't you going to get laser surgery for your vision?

Yes, but I heard bad things about that clinic. They do too many Eisenhower! (Clay Hale, Winchester)

How did the Patriots make it to the Super Bowl? Drew Bledsoe much that Tom Brady took over! (Tim Bendel, Chantilly)

What do ancient Chinese sayings sometimes do to us Westerners? Confucius! (Mike Genz, La Plata)

Who was Russia's great literary nepotist? Alexander Pushkin! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Who stole from the rich to give to the Pooh? Christopher Robin Hood! (Russell Beland, Springfield)

What happened when Carlo Ponti left Sophia for a Broadway composer? He broke Lorenz Hart! (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Khomeini ayatollahs can dance on the head of a pin? None -- ayatollahs don't dance! (Joshua Miller, Sparks, Md.)

If the Supreme Court had ruled that there had to be co- presidents, why would the Russians have had an easier time spying on us? There would have been a Gore-Bush chef in the White House! (Fred S. Souk, Reston)

When Tarkenton ruled the Vikings' locker room, what topped Fran's Liszt of do's and don'ts? Remember to take your Jacques Offenbach! (Chris Doyle, Burke)

As sultry movie stars get older, what happens to their beauty? It begins Faye Dunaway! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

What can you do when you've managed your company into the toilet, causing investors to lose billions of dollars and thousands of people to lose their jobs? You Ken Lay down and die! (Deborah M. Searson, Avon, Conn.)